So for the past week or so my feet have been the size of footballs. Is that normal? I think not. I went to so many doctors about this and no one can help me. How in the world can i start walking when i can't even put shoes on? Hmmm... you answer this one because i really can't. I tried to google it and i was surprised to see how many women out there have the same issues and they can't figure out why this is happening. Anyway i didn't mean to write about my humongous feet.
This is about eating and praying and loving .... as in the book by Elizabeth Gilbert.
I started a new job last week and at first i tried to go out to lunch with the ladies from my department but eventually i realized that maybe I'm not wanted there. A few months ago that would've hurt my feelings, i would've been all depressed and very emotional. Not anymore.... God has helped me realize that it's OK to be alone because when you think about it you're never really alone. God is always next to you... if you let Him. And I do :)
So now every day around lunch time i grab my wallet and my book and i drive to this little shopping area that has everything from In-N-Out, Chipotle, Inka Mamas, Daphne's.. you name it. I discovered last week just how good Chipotle is so now that's become my #1 spot.
I order my food then drive to this empty parking log behind a movie theater, park under a tree and open my windows so i can feel the wonderful breeze. And then i eat and pray and love the quiet and the peace around me. Sometime i panic when i think just how happy I am. Nothing has really changed in my life except ME. I still have the same car, the same husband, the same kids, the same friends and the same crappy apartment lol.. and lets not forget the swollen feet... but i am happy.
Well time to get back to work.. whatever that is since at the moment i have nothing to do. NOTHING! But that's OK.
Thank you Lord for another blessed day in my life.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sad morning
So for the past few months I’ve been a happy camper. Why you may ask? Because I found a power bigger than anything: The Bible. I’ve learned that if you trust in God, he will take care of us no matter what. Even if things didn’t go “my way” I was still happy – because theirs is no “my way” … there’s only God’s way. And God made a promise that He will never give us anything we can’t handle.
Sometimes we need to be reminded of what’s important in our lives and that’s when things may go downhill. But if we keep the faith eventually God will take care of it all.
So like I said… I’ve been happy…. Well happy until last night. I got home and received a letter from my mom. Now you would say: “What’s so bad about that? That was actually nice of her to write.” Right? WRONG!!!
For years I’ve been trying to put my past behind without realizing that the only thing I was doing was just pilling things on top of the hurt. Lying to everyone around me into believing that I was fine. I know by writing this here I’m exposing myself but no one is reading this blog anyway so I’m free to write anything I like.
So where should I start? I guess at the beginning…. For many years I blamed my mom for my dad’s death. Unrealistic I know but hey I was 14 when he died and he was only 32. For a 14 year old, her dad is her world. Then years later, after we moved to the States, my grandparents died. Now I didn’t blame my mom for their death but I was mad at myself for not being there when this happened. I was too far to even go to the funeral. So now the people I ever loved are gone. My heart stopped working … instead there’s a block of ice that just melts little by little until there’s no more left…. And I’m gone too. Yeap… that’s what it felt like.
I adjusted to the live in the States. It was not easy for a long time. I had to learn the language and I realized that making friends was no longer something I was good at. I mean how can you made friends when you don’t want to have anyone around you? I met my husband not long after arriving to LA and we had kids right away. I stayed home and took care of the kids and the house and he worked and worked and worked. Eventually I went to school and got a job.
Some thought I had the perfect life. Beautiful kids, a great job, a wonderful husband. And most of it was true. Except the “perfect life” part. While I did have the job and the kids and the husband, inside I was still dying little by little. I had good days and bad days. Mostly bad. Looking back I don’t know how my husband put up with me. There were times when I would cry all the way to work. Other times I would sit in my car and cry and cry and cry … for no reason. I knew I had a problem but I didn’t know how to deal with it.
Then something happened. I watched someone very close to me became a carbon copy of me. He would get sad for no reason and cry nonstop. I would ask him why he was sad and he could not tell why. But unlike me, he found God and little by little the sadness went away. So I gave God a try… and my life changed.
Still, last night when I got the letter it hit me like a rock. On my way to work today I started crying again. How can words on a piece of paper have such power? Because I let them, that’s why. So no more of that. When I got to work, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I’m not saying the hurt went away but I’m not crying anymore and I know what I have to do. Today I will write back to my mother and let her know that I pray for her every night and that I wish things would’ve been different for us. I’m going to tell her that she needs to stop hating life so much….
Wow I feel so much better now. Time to put the plan into action.
Oh I forgot to mention one of the most important things that it’s about to happen in my life. I am getting baptized this Saturday. I get a second chance to become the person God intended for me to be. Thank you Lord for everything you’ve done for us.
May the Lord continue to bless you each and everyone.
Sometimes we need to be reminded of what’s important in our lives and that’s when things may go downhill. But if we keep the faith eventually God will take care of it all.
So like I said… I’ve been happy…. Well happy until last night. I got home and received a letter from my mom. Now you would say: “What’s so bad about that? That was actually nice of her to write.” Right? WRONG!!!
For years I’ve been trying to put my past behind without realizing that the only thing I was doing was just pilling things on top of the hurt. Lying to everyone around me into believing that I was fine. I know by writing this here I’m exposing myself but no one is reading this blog anyway so I’m free to write anything I like.
So where should I start? I guess at the beginning…. For many years I blamed my mom for my dad’s death. Unrealistic I know but hey I was 14 when he died and he was only 32. For a 14 year old, her dad is her world. Then years later, after we moved to the States, my grandparents died. Now I didn’t blame my mom for their death but I was mad at myself for not being there when this happened. I was too far to even go to the funeral. So now the people I ever loved are gone. My heart stopped working … instead there’s a block of ice that just melts little by little until there’s no more left…. And I’m gone too. Yeap… that’s what it felt like.
I adjusted to the live in the States. It was not easy for a long time. I had to learn the language and I realized that making friends was no longer something I was good at. I mean how can you made friends when you don’t want to have anyone around you? I met my husband not long after arriving to LA and we had kids right away. I stayed home and took care of the kids and the house and he worked and worked and worked. Eventually I went to school and got a job.
Some thought I had the perfect life. Beautiful kids, a great job, a wonderful husband. And most of it was true. Except the “perfect life” part. While I did have the job and the kids and the husband, inside I was still dying little by little. I had good days and bad days. Mostly bad. Looking back I don’t know how my husband put up with me. There were times when I would cry all the way to work. Other times I would sit in my car and cry and cry and cry … for no reason. I knew I had a problem but I didn’t know how to deal with it.
Then something happened. I watched someone very close to me became a carbon copy of me. He would get sad for no reason and cry nonstop. I would ask him why he was sad and he could not tell why. But unlike me, he found God and little by little the sadness went away. So I gave God a try… and my life changed.
Still, last night when I got the letter it hit me like a rock. On my way to work today I started crying again. How can words on a piece of paper have such power? Because I let them, that’s why. So no more of that. When I got to work, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I’m not saying the hurt went away but I’m not crying anymore and I know what I have to do. Today I will write back to my mother and let her know that I pray for her every night and that I wish things would’ve been different for us. I’m going to tell her that she needs to stop hating life so much….
Wow I feel so much better now. Time to put the plan into action.
Oh I forgot to mention one of the most important things that it’s about to happen in my life. I am getting baptized this Saturday. I get a second chance to become the person God intended for me to be. Thank you Lord for everything you’ve done for us.
May the Lord continue to bless you each and everyone.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Been a long time....
Wow i don't even know where to start. So much has happened in the last two weeks. I think the hardest one was losing my job after 6+ yrs with the company. But i guess that's part of life right? I was hurt and disappointed but God was looking out for me as He always does. You see God knew i was not happy being in that place so this new opportunity came by.
So I am looking forward to starting a new job in July; in the meantime I get to spend time with my kids, take my son to register for college, get his driving permit.. you name it. Things i didn't have time to do before because i was too busy working.
God is so good to us.....
So I am looking forward to starting a new job in July; in the meantime I get to spend time with my kids, take my son to register for college, get his driving permit.. you name it. Things i didn't have time to do before because i was too busy working.
God is so good to us.....
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Ugly Thursday.
Another day without having any energy for life. I know i should look at all the blessings i have but i just don't feel it today. I'm tired....
I wake up, i drive to work, i do reports, payments, audits, then drive home, cook dinner, take a shower and go to bed. The next day i do the same, then the day after that, and the day after that..... and it never ends.
Saturday i wake up, go to church, come home at 2, then go back to church at 6, then go home and go to sleep... Sunday i clean the house, do laundry (for like 500 people - or so it feels like), then go to bible study, then go to sleep.......
Every week the same, over and over and over and over....
Wow now that i actually wrote it down i feel worse than before. This is our life.
I wake up, i drive to work, i do reports, payments, audits, then drive home, cook dinner, take a shower and go to bed. The next day i do the same, then the day after that, and the day after that..... and it never ends.
Saturday i wake up, go to church, come home at 2, then go back to church at 6, then go home and go to sleep... Sunday i clean the house, do laundry (for like 500 people - or so it feels like), then go to bible study, then go to sleep.......
Every week the same, over and over and over and over....
Wow now that i actually wrote it down i feel worse than before. This is our life.
God Does Not Believe In Atheists!!!
This morning I read this cool article and wanted to share it with you. Judge for yourself:
Does evolution have direct answers to the following elementary questions: How does a big bang explain the innumerable amount of species of living things? Why is there sound and taste? And how did they evolve? Why do some creatures fly, while others swim, and some slither? Why do some creatures have two legs, while others have four and some eight? Why are some species predators while others are prey? Why do some creatures hibernate year after year while others must continue in motion to survive?
Why do birds build nests, beavers construct dams, and spiders spin webs? Why are there millions of galaxies and trillions of stars? Why are there springs, rivers, and oceans? Why are there four seasons? Why does sand gather along the coastal shores and in the midst of deserts? Why do birds sing, wolves howl, and cats meow? Why is the world so colorful? Why are there a multitude of foreign languages? Why is the human brain more complex than the most powerful computer? Why do Humans have a conscience while animals have basic instincts? Why does nature possess certain natural laws while humans form laws to govern society? How did all these things come to be and why?
Can evolution adequately explain how colors evolved? How does evolution justify which birds fly, which swim, and which migrate? How does evolution account for so many species of sharks? Why could they not all be great whites? Why are there so many different shapes, sizes, and colors of flowers? Why not all evolve into red roses? Why is there big, small, short, and tall? How does evolution address the complex issue of DNA? How does the theory explain why there are no two fingerprints alike or two snowflakes that are identical?
If evolution is scientific, why does the theory suffer constant inconsistency and contradiction within evolutionary circles? And why do we teach a theory as if it is indeed a fact? Speculation, not science, is at the root of evolution. For science to be science it must be repeatable and observable. And since NO ONE has EVER observed a whale evolve into a cow, a cat into a dog, or a monkey into a man, we have nothing? The evolutionary process we long to embrace, by the very definition of science, is not scientific at all.
So why do the masses believe in and propagate an insane idea called evolution? Is it because you refuse to believe in the obvious alternative, a Creator? And not just any Creator, but a holy One, of which we are all accountable to and will someday face.
What is the one thing that God and mankind have in common? Sin, of course. God hates sin and we love it. God gave laws forbidding it and man boasts that laws are meant to be broken. We refuse to be accountable to this God for our transgressions against Him. So what did we do? We exchanged the truth of God for the lie of evolution. Now we can have our cake and eat it too. No longer shall we give an account to the God of the Bible...so it seems. But are you willing to stake your soul on that? The Bible says, "It is appointed for man to die once, and then the judgment" (Hebrews 9:27).
Indeed, Charles Darwin and Carl Sagan now know there is a God! And like them, you too will stand before your Creator to give an account for your offenses against Him. There is, however, a wise alternative. The very God that spoke the universe into existence became a man, was crucified, and raised from the dead. He bids you to come. Will you not do the obvious and turn from your sin and follow the Lord Jesus Christ while you have life? Your faith in an evolutionary theory that allows your sin will bring you right to the throne of God one day. He, Jesus, will either be your Savior, or your Judge.
God does not believe in atheists!
Does evolution have direct answers to the following elementary questions: How does a big bang explain the innumerable amount of species of living things? Why is there sound and taste? And how did they evolve? Why do some creatures fly, while others swim, and some slither? Why do some creatures have two legs, while others have four and some eight? Why are some species predators while others are prey? Why do some creatures hibernate year after year while others must continue in motion to survive?
Why do birds build nests, beavers construct dams, and spiders spin webs? Why are there millions of galaxies and trillions of stars? Why are there springs, rivers, and oceans? Why are there four seasons? Why does sand gather along the coastal shores and in the midst of deserts? Why do birds sing, wolves howl, and cats meow? Why is the world so colorful? Why are there a multitude of foreign languages? Why is the human brain more complex than the most powerful computer? Why do Humans have a conscience while animals have basic instincts? Why does nature possess certain natural laws while humans form laws to govern society? How did all these things come to be and why?
Can evolution adequately explain how colors evolved? How does evolution justify which birds fly, which swim, and which migrate? How does evolution account for so many species of sharks? Why could they not all be great whites? Why are there so many different shapes, sizes, and colors of flowers? Why not all evolve into red roses? Why is there big, small, short, and tall? How does evolution address the complex issue of DNA? How does the theory explain why there are no two fingerprints alike or two snowflakes that are identical?
If evolution is scientific, why does the theory suffer constant inconsistency and contradiction within evolutionary circles? And why do we teach a theory as if it is indeed a fact? Speculation, not science, is at the root of evolution. For science to be science it must be repeatable and observable. And since NO ONE has EVER observed a whale evolve into a cow, a cat into a dog, or a monkey into a man, we have nothing? The evolutionary process we long to embrace, by the very definition of science, is not scientific at all.
So why do the masses believe in and propagate an insane idea called evolution? Is it because you refuse to believe in the obvious alternative, a Creator? And not just any Creator, but a holy One, of which we are all accountable to and will someday face.
What is the one thing that God and mankind have in common? Sin, of course. God hates sin and we love it. God gave laws forbidding it and man boasts that laws are meant to be broken. We refuse to be accountable to this God for our transgressions against Him. So what did we do? We exchanged the truth of God for the lie of evolution. Now we can have our cake and eat it too. No longer shall we give an account to the God of the Bible...so it seems. But are you willing to stake your soul on that? The Bible says, "It is appointed for man to die once, and then the judgment" (Hebrews 9:27).
Indeed, Charles Darwin and Carl Sagan now know there is a God! And like them, you too will stand before your Creator to give an account for your offenses against Him. There is, however, a wise alternative. The very God that spoke the universe into existence became a man, was crucified, and raised from the dead. He bids you to come. Will you not do the obvious and turn from your sin and follow the Lord Jesus Christ while you have life? Your faith in an evolutionary theory that allows your sin will bring you right to the throne of God one day. He, Jesus, will either be your Savior, or your Judge.
God does not believe in atheists!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Frustrated
Just got home from dinner and movie with my best friend. We enjoyed a bowl of pasta, a frozen margarita, and wonderful conversation about life. We decided to watch Just Wright and it was just that: Right. We had so much as we always do. For just a little while we get to forget about husbands and kids and work and life.
As I'm driving home and listening to my christian music, i feel the urge to change the CD and listen to something else. So here I am, at 9:30 pm listening and singing "Nothin on you" by BoB - i love that song.
Then all of the sudden I start to feel guilty; i turn off the CD and just sit there in the quiet and feel guilty. Why do i feel guilty? I didn't break any of the commandments, a little voice in my head says. Or did I?
I am so confused and frustrated.
I hear stories from people saying how they used to do this and that, drugs and jail, and the list goes on and on and on. And then they talk about how they got saved by Gog and how they love their new life.
Well i never did any of that. Never took drugs, never drank, never did anything really. Growing up I always had to do things that were "lady-like" as my mom would say: ladies don't chew gum, ladies don't like sports, ladies don't ride bikes...
I'm far from being a kid now but sometimes i wish i could do something rebellious like color my hair weird colors and wear funky clothes. Not that i would do that... but it would be nice to know that i could if i wanted to.....
Is it really bad watching movies? Or listening to music other than christian music? So many questions and i always get the same answer: Whatever you do is between you and God.
If it's bad why doesn't it feel bad? Why did it feel right wearing my wedding ring when the bible says we should not wear jewelry? Not wearing it feels bad.
Arrrrhhhhhhh frustration.... My head is exploding.....
As I'm driving home and listening to my christian music, i feel the urge to change the CD and listen to something else. So here I am, at 9:30 pm listening and singing "Nothin on you" by BoB - i love that song.
Then all of the sudden I start to feel guilty; i turn off the CD and just sit there in the quiet and feel guilty. Why do i feel guilty? I didn't break any of the commandments, a little voice in my head says. Or did I?
I am so confused and frustrated.
I hear stories from people saying how they used to do this and that, drugs and jail, and the list goes on and on and on. And then they talk about how they got saved by Gog and how they love their new life.
Well i never did any of that. Never took drugs, never drank, never did anything really. Growing up I always had to do things that were "lady-like" as my mom would say: ladies don't chew gum, ladies don't like sports, ladies don't ride bikes...
I'm far from being a kid now but sometimes i wish i could do something rebellious like color my hair weird colors and wear funky clothes. Not that i would do that... but it would be nice to know that i could if i wanted to.....
Is it really bad watching movies? Or listening to music other than christian music? So many questions and i always get the same answer: Whatever you do is between you and God.
If it's bad why doesn't it feel bad? Why did it feel right wearing my wedding ring when the bible says we should not wear jewelry? Not wearing it feels bad.
Arrrrhhhhhhh frustration.... My head is exploding.....
Blahhhh
This week's been just ... blahhhh.... I can't concentrate on anything.... I feel like my body is here but my spirit has gone on vacation somewhere.
Lord give me strength to accept anything that comes my way.
Maybe I'll feel better later on. I have to feel better - tonight is dinner with Normi and maybe a movie.
I wish....
"Keep on wishing" - my husband's comment....
Just a blahhh day.
Lord give me strength to accept anything that comes my way.
Maybe I'll feel better later on. I have to feel better - tonight is dinner with Normi and maybe a movie.
I wish....
"Keep on wishing" - my husband's comment....
Just a blahhh day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
