So for the past few months I’ve been a happy camper. Why you may ask? Because I found a power bigger than anything: The Bible. I’ve learned that if you trust in God, he will take care of us no matter what. Even if things didn’t go “my way” I was still happy – because theirs is no “my way” … there’s only God’s way. And God made a promise that He will never give us anything we can’t handle.
Sometimes we need to be reminded of what’s important in our lives and that’s when things may go downhill. But if we keep the faith eventually God will take care of it all.
So like I said… I’ve been happy…. Well happy until last night. I got home and received a letter from my mom. Now you would say: “What’s so bad about that? That was actually nice of her to write.” Right? WRONG!!!
For years I’ve been trying to put my past behind without realizing that the only thing I was doing was just pilling things on top of the hurt. Lying to everyone around me into believing that I was fine. I know by writing this here I’m exposing myself but no one is reading this blog anyway so I’m free to write anything I like.
So where should I start? I guess at the beginning…. For many years I blamed my mom for my dad’s death. Unrealistic I know but hey I was 14 when he died and he was only 32. For a 14 year old, her dad is her world. Then years later, after we moved to the States, my grandparents died. Now I didn’t blame my mom for their death but I was mad at myself for not being there when this happened. I was too far to even go to the funeral. So now the people I ever loved are gone. My heart stopped working … instead there’s a block of ice that just melts little by little until there’s no more left…. And I’m gone too. Yeap… that’s what it felt like.
I adjusted to the live in the States. It was not easy for a long time. I had to learn the language and I realized that making friends was no longer something I was good at. I mean how can you made friends when you don’t want to have anyone around you? I met my husband not long after arriving to LA and we had kids right away. I stayed home and took care of the kids and the house and he worked and worked and worked. Eventually I went to school and got a job.
Some thought I had the perfect life. Beautiful kids, a great job, a wonderful husband. And most of it was true. Except the “perfect life” part. While I did have the job and the kids and the husband, inside I was still dying little by little. I had good days and bad days. Mostly bad. Looking back I don’t know how my husband put up with me. There were times when I would cry all the way to work. Other times I would sit in my car and cry and cry and cry … for no reason. I knew I had a problem but I didn’t know how to deal with it.
Then something happened. I watched someone very close to me became a carbon copy of me. He would get sad for no reason and cry nonstop. I would ask him why he was sad and he could not tell why. But unlike me, he found God and little by little the sadness went away. So I gave God a try… and my life changed.
Still, last night when I got the letter it hit me like a rock. On my way to work today I started crying again. How can words on a piece of paper have such power? Because I let them, that’s why. So no more of that. When I got to work, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I’m not saying the hurt went away but I’m not crying anymore and I know what I have to do. Today I will write back to my mother and let her know that I pray for her every night and that I wish things would’ve been different for us. I’m going to tell her that she needs to stop hating life so much….
Wow I feel so much better now. Time to put the plan into action.
Oh I forgot to mention one of the most important things that it’s about to happen in my life. I am getting baptized this Saturday. I get a second chance to become the person God intended for me to be. Thank you Lord for everything you’ve done for us.
May the Lord continue to bless you each and everyone.
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